


Because I Loved You

by MEOW_I_am_a_cat



Series: Because [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, FWB, Friends With Benefits, I'll just go now, I'm Going to Hell, I'm so sorry, M/M, Smut, oh god this is so angsty, this was supposed to have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MEOW_I_am_a_cat/pseuds/MEOW_I_am_a_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being friends with benefits isn't simple. It isn't easy. It isn't safe. But it's fun. So they do it. And it's fun. Until it isn't.<br/>Warnings: Angst. So much angst. Smut. Swearing. **if there's any others that I've forgotten to mention, please do tell me!**</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay let's go fit an entire foreword into these notes...  
> Foreword: A Look at Language  
> One of the main literary tools used in this story is repeated language and words, and I have written it to rely heavily on four words - simple, easy, safe, and fun - and the distinction between them. The problem lies, then, in "simple" and "easy," and the fact that I have written them to mean two different things.  
> As a language evolves, new words and meanings will spring up as often as occasions that require these new words and meanings. And, as words are used by a person, words originally synonymous to each other begin to differ. In the person's mind, certain words take on different connotations, and no two words mean exactly the same thing. Therefore, my definition of the two words in question and yours may differ, as they will for any two readers of this story, so I would like to make it clear how I use these words. I tried to make it evident my own meanings, but I worry that may come too late in the story, or it may simply not be clear enough.  
> I chose "easy" to mean, well, the opposite of "hard." If something is easy, it can be done without restraint, it is not a difficult task to complete.  
> On the other hand, I have "simple" as a slightly more complex word, no matter how ironic that may seem. Something simple is something that requires little thought, little effort to complete. Its definition is very blurred and hard for me to describe, quite honestly.  
> I do hope this may help you in reading Because I Loved You, but if you do run into any difficulties at all in understanding the way I wrote any part of this, dear reader, please do not hesitate to ask.  
> .  
> Anyway, gay smut written by a 14 y/o virgin girl is probably not the best smut in the world. You've been warned.

They don't do it because it's simple. If they wanted a quick fix to the problem, they could just cut off relations between the two of them. Never seeing or speaking to each other again would solve everything, with minimal effort.

But simple is not easy.

They don't do it because it's easy, though. A relationship would be easy. Nose kisses and cuddles and "I love you"s whispered at midnight are easy.

But easy isn't always safe.

They don't do it because it's safe, either. What they have going on is far from safe. Safety could be found in friendship. Pure, platonic, friendship.

But safe isn't very fun.

They do it because it's fun. It's _fun_ to make out with your best friend. It's _fun_ to fuck him every night, be it in one bed or the other. It's _fun_ for Phil, because he's getting laid, and Dan's a good fuck. It's _fun_ for Dan, because he craves the intimacy, and it's a thousand times better because this is _Phil_ whose dick is up his ass more nights than it's not, it's _Phil's_ bed they wake up together in, it's _Phil_ who wants to kiss him, _Phil_ , the boy Dan's been madly in love with for years, now.

But fun isn't simple, fun isn't easy, fun isn't safe. It's not simple, because what happens when one of them gets a boyfriend or a girlfriend? It's not easy, for Dan to hold back his "I love you"s and replace them with moans and "Oh God"s and "Faster!"s and "Fuck"s as Phil pounds into him night after night. It's not safe, because what if Dan slips up? Or, God forbid, it's Phil who says those three words that they have an unspoken agreement not to voice? Or what if someone finds out? A million and one things could go wrong with this.

But a million and one things go _right_ when they're lying in bed next to each other, covered in a thin layer of sweat and cum and lube and they're both breathing heavily, coming down from their highs. A million and one things _feel_ right in those moments, those moments that each of them love, sometimes for the same reasons, sometimes for different ones. Sometimes it's because _Fuck, that was good._ Other times because _I can't believe I'm lying next to the very same AmazingPhil I fanboyed over as a teenager._ And other times still it's because _Goddammit, I love this boy so much_ , and surprisingly enough, that's one that is shared.

But it's fun, and that's what counts.

It's fun.

Except when it isn't.

Dan doesn't find it _fun_ to have to pretend he most definitely was _not_ spooning Phil every time he wakes up sharing a bed.

Phil doesn't find it _fun_ when he has to pretend he most definitely was not _enjoying_ Dan's arms wrapped around him.

They don't find it _fun_ when _every single_ moment, _every_ last touch, _each_ and _every_ word spoken, all of it is meticulously planned out. Even the times they're supposed to be able to let go, not think and just _do_ , Dan's mind is on overdrive. Each noise that passes through his lips is carefully calculated, from moans to the absence of the three words he wants to say so _badly_ it nearly causes a physical pain in him, but knows that those words would make this whole thing collapse, make it unravel in a heartbeat.

Little does he know, Phil's own brain is whirring throughout the sex, for the exact same reasons.

It isn't fun. But at least it works. It works for years.

Until it doesn't.

~x~x~

They both always thought it would be three words that end it. Three words from Dan's mouth.

Except it's four.

"I love you, Dan."

As Dan turns to hold Phil in his arms, the words cut through the silence like a knife.

But it's late, and they're both exhausted.

So it's easy for Dan to ignore it. Pretend he never heard it.

It's easy.

It's not simple.

It's not safe.

It's not fun.

But it's easy.

So he does it. He forgets.

Phil doesn't. He made a conscious decision to say it.

It wasn't easy.

It wasn't safe.

It's wasn't fun.

But it was simple. A quick, nearly thoughtless, offhand statement. It was simple.

He still chose to do it, though. He doesn't want to forget. He doesn't want Dan to forget. He wants Dan to remember. To _know_.

So in the morning, it's different.

There's little touches, on the hand, the arm, the side. There's the ghosts of kisses hovering over Dan's skin. Phil stands closer, sits closer, _exists_ closer. Everything they decided, what was allowed and what wasn't, it's all thrown to hell. The lines, the boundaries, the _walls_ , stacked up, _brick_ by _brick_ , every _word_ spoken between them since 2009 when this whole mess _began_ , every _rule_ put into place, it all made those walls surrounding each of the two boys higher, higher, _higher_ , it's all blurred. The rules faze in and out of existence as the day goes on, as Phil starts acting more couple-y, as Dan starts to accept it.

Until Phil almost calls Dan some silly pet name that most definitely is _not_ allowed, but thinks better of it. At the last second, he stops himself, knowing that one more word could break _everything_.

But it's too late. It's too late to stop himself.

"Did you have anything in mind for dinner, babe?"

Babe. _Babe_.

He hopes Dan didn't notice.

"' _Babe_ '?"

He noticed.

"What the _fuck_ , Phil? What the _fuck_ has been _up_ with you today?"

"You know," Phil spits out in a whisper, halfway between meek and mad. "You know _damn well_ what is ' _up_ ' with me."

Dan continues to feign ignorance.

"No, no I fucking _don't_! Why don't you clue me in?"

"You _know_!" Phil repeats. "You _know_ , goddammit!"

They're standing now, shouting at each other's faces.

"Last night." Phil's voice is hushed again. "I know you heard me."

Dan can't pretend.

"You aren't in love with me."

"I think I know how I feel."

"You aren't in love with me! You're in love with, I don't know, the sex! Something else! I don't care what! Just not _me_! You _can't_ be in love with me."

"But I do love you, Dan. Why can't I?"

Dan swallows hard.

It won't be simple.

It won't be easy.

It won't be safe.

It won't be fun.

But he admits it. He admits everything.

"Because I loved you! I was in love with you, but you never said anything! I thought all you wanted from me was sex, so I _gave_ it to you! Because I thought it would make you love me! And maybe it did, but it's too late! I gave up. _This_ , whatever we are, friends with benefits or whatever the _fuck_ you want to call it, it _ruined_ me! I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't love you anymore. So I stopped.

"Fuck you, Phil."

"Fuck you, too!"

And they're kissing. It's not gentle or loving like Phil wished it could be. And it's not gentle or loving like Dan wished it could be. It's heated and passionate but passionate for all the wrong reasons. It isn't fun.

It isn't fun when Dan's tongue is in Phil's mouth and vice versa. It isn't fun when shirts start coming off and hands start roaming. It's not fun when Phil asks, "My bed or yours?" It's not fun when Dan responds, "Yours," because Phil's bed is bigger, Phil's bed is more comfortable, and, most of all, the lube is still in Phil's room because this is just about sex. It's not fun when fingers dip below waistbands. It's not fun when the slippery liquid is dribbled onto Phil's fingers, and one is inserted into Dan's hole. It's not fun when the fingers are removed, and replaced with Phil's hard cock. It's not fun when Dan wraps his legs around Phil's waist. It's not fun when Phil pounds into him. It's not fun when he hits Dan's prostate _again_ and _again_. It's enjoyable. It's pleasurable. But it's not fun.

It's not fun, but they do it. They fall back into their old habits, Kissing, fucking, cuddling, hating. Regretting. Repeat.

It's old movements they repeat. Like their brains are on autopilot.

Thrust. Moan. Stroke. Scream. Stroke. Thrust. Stroke. Comment. Thrust. Warn. Thrust. Stroke. Thrust. Cum. Scream. Thrust. Cum. Collapse. Breathe. Breathe. "Fuck." Close eyes. "Yeah." Curl halfway into a ball. Breathe. Wrap arms around him. Breathe. "I love you, Dan." Silence. "I really do." Silence. No response. Tighten Grip. Relax body. Kiss neck. Sleep.

Kiss. Check.

Fuck. Check.

Cuddle. Check.

Hate. Check.

Regret. Check.

Repeat.


End file.
